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TBT is a big supporter of local football. In fact, TBT will go on record that there is more local football commentary in this homely little blog than most of the major newspapers in this country. And that includes the 2 months since the last post from 
TBT towers.
It has been a sad few weeks in Australian football.
While governing body FFA is busy bailing water from the sinking ship of North Queensland Fury, Gold Coast United has been left adrift in debt and disappointment.
Clive Palmer invested enough capital into a fledgling club to pull some big names, hyping the media and football-going Australian public into thinking the Gold Coast region was about to be taken on the footballing equivalent of Mr Toad's Wild Ride.
Sadly, Clive committed footballing hara-kiri. He failed to listen to the club's fans, failed to attract a paltry 7,500 fans to home games. Even with 7,500 fans, Gold Coast United player's like Jason Culina were plying their trade in an empty stadium. Less than 1/3 full.
According to some reports, Sir Clive has "thrown his toys" in response to claims that he will no longer be associated with Gold Coast United. It has become clear that the FFA will not come to the rescue of the embattled Gold Coast United. Even within Sir Clive's own inner circle, supporters doubt his association with the future of the club - one source reportedly saying "the thing about Clive is he's all over the place."
Two things appear to be certain for next season.
Robbie Fowler's $750,000 get-out-of-bed-fee will payed by Sydney FC, and Melbourne Heart will be swapped out for the diseased Gold Coast United in a backyard transplant operation.
Let's hope that FIFA don't notice that Frank Lowy and FFA CEO Ben Buckley are playing Operation on the road to Australia's 2018-2022 FIFA World Cup bid.
Contains at least 79% Football, 29% Truth
There are three things most important in life according to Conan. Football, Kevin Muscat and Street Fighter.
TBT will go on record by saying Street Fighter is better than Jesus. In fact, Street Fighter would kick Jesus' arse. Most probably at Street Fighter, and maybe football.
Having used possibly the worst sedgeway in history, here's a few reasons why the World Cup would be loads better if it was more like Street Fighter.
1. Jackie Chan is awesome, even better dressed as Chun-Li
Mr Chan was used as a marketing gimmick to help promote the Beijing Olympics, but arguably his finest moment was as a promotional pawn for Street Fighter. Sepp, use Mr Chan to pimp South Africa 2010. Fuck it, have him fight a puma. Perhaps, an indomitable lion?
2. In Street Fighter, every country in the world is represented, except Australia - enter Craig Foster, World Warrior
Following Australia's disastrous first round exit at the hands of an unnamed South American nation at South Africa 2010, the FFA conduct a public enquiry into previous Socceroo captains. Craig's highly public praise for South American playing styles casts a long shadow over Fozzie. In order to prove his innocence and undying loyally to Australia, Craig wanders the globe in an attempt to seek penance and redemption in the eyes of Australian fans. Craig enters the international fighting tournament, facing each and every South American-based fighter to rediscover his sense of self and be reborn, possibly becoming irrepressible.
3. World Cup Anthems are awesome - combine them with Street Fighter songs and we have a winner
Perhaps Portugal could look to these guys for a world cup anthem?
I appreciate that this post is poorly thought out. But fuck it. You just saw a dog play Street Fighter against a bust of Napoleon. If you didn't, hit the link.
And for those other people, there's Chicken-Football
Contains at least 79% Football, 29% Truth
Since USA '94, the first major World Cup tournament staged outside traditional power bases CONEMBOL and UEFA, football has promised deliverance for grassroots leagues, offering developing football nations washed-up megastars and a fat cash injection into often floundering semi-professional leagues or non-existent footballing cultures.
It's been more than 15 years since World Cup football fondled North America. To examine how the just-add-water version of the World Game first touched this part of the world, look no further than the ageing megastars and glittering sponsorship dollars that drove some of the biggest players to a fledgling league that lasted less than a generation. The reason, a lack of organic history.
The New York Cosmos have been cited as a perfect example of how to setup a football club, and a football league for failure. Recruiting ageing yet high profile players like God Pelé and Franz Beckenbauer, the New York Cosmos were the glamour franchise of the North American Soccer League (NASL). While the New York Cosmos managed to draw higher than average crowds to their home ground, average league attendance for the NASL was on par with most fledgling leagues in developing football nations (~15,000 per match) with some clubs struggling in the NASL to attract above 5,000 fans a game.
It's been argued that the NASL was built on the euphoria following England's World Cup victory two years prior to the leagues inception in 1968. Players like God Pelé and Franz Beckenbauer left their respective leagues for a fat paycheck in the Land of the Free.
As the North Americans experienced first hand in the late 1960s, it's difficult to generate a excitement and a sense of history for a just-add-water football league with no real heritage or tradition. The NASL, MLS, J-League and A-League are prime examples where the backing of financial corporations is no replacement for the organic, natural growth of a supporter base. It's little surprise that the South African national league is looking to capitalise on global interest in high stakes football arriving on their doorstep in 2010.
The question remains, is growth sustainable when a football club doesn't have the support of seasoned, passionate, tradition-bound football fans? Who is willing to take the younger generation to see a brand new club in an empty stadium with plastic supporters and an awful anthem?
Contains at least 79% Football, 29% Truth
TBT HQ is still hot as hell following a heat wave.
Due to bullshit weather these ungodly circumstances, TBT feel someone should cop it.
There, that's our justification. So without further ado, here's 5 reasons why Gary Neville will never become a real man.
1. His father has two first names.
Neville Neville.
2. He has a fucking rubbish pencil thin mustache that makes Magnum PI, Jesus and Mike Hagger Cry in unison.
That (below) is not a man with a mustache. This is a man with a fucking mustache.
(left)
Not a
CURLEH MUSTACHE
3. He was hand raised by Satan and doesn't feel mortal pain.
How else do you explain his resilience to years of victimisation by his own people?
4. His own fucking teammates don't like him
5.Own. Goal.Euro.Qualifier.Fail
Contains at least 79% Football, 29% Truth
At the moment at TBT HQ, it's 1 mirrion 40 odd degrees centigrade.
It's at times like these that thoughts turn to the inevitable apocalypse end of the fucking world. One starts to wonder, when it all ends, will we get to watch football in hell?
It's fair to assume that Peter Ridsdale would be chairman of Hades FC, having recently assumed ownership of the club after Ken Bates picked it clean following allegations of misappropriation of funds.
Ridsdale would make a public address appealing for calm declaring the club had every intention of reclaiming the respect of the fans and keeping the sponsors happy (comprising a tobacco company and a milk company).
Following his PR disaster opportunity, Ridsdale would go on to waste 6 million euro-dollar-yen-pounds on tropical fish (for the second time), as opposed to investing in a half-decent central defender with at least one good foot. Ridsdale would then plumb for a series of inspirational creative-minded teamleaders including David Koresh and this bird.
Japp Stam would have a home in the heart of defence eating live babies. Terry Venables would be Ridsdale's first choice as Manager. Terry would proudly lead his side to the dizzying heights of midtable obscurity, enforcing a strict 'fuck-it-long' game plan whereby Stam would hack the ball up the pitch to the waiting open arms of that cheating fucking Frenchman Thierry Henry. Henry would play a free floating role behind Con Boutsianis complete with balaclava.
The question remains? Who in their right mind would buy a season ticket to Hades FC ?
Would you?More importantly, why would you turn up for the derby when this guy is the star player for the opposition, at every fucking sport?
Contains at least 79% Football, 29% Truth
It's no great surprise that one of the most popular pieces of entertainment for kids in the western world is wrestling. Say what you like about 'professional sports entertainment', its got the ear of an entire demographic FIFA would love to sink its teeth into.
So, if Sepp Blatter were to push for the 'professional sports entertainment' slice of the pie, what parts of football would be best served?
1. Promote the shit out of cross brand rivalries
FIFA already has the UEFA cup, Copa Libertadores and World Club Championship to give the best players in the world an opportunity to meet each other in mortal komat on the pitch, but these encounters would benefit from the monthly Pay Per View event calendar popularised by 'professional sports entertainment'. Big matches, every month. Fireworks and Divas. Do it, Sepp.
2. Terrible, god awful acting & predictable bad guys
Football has its good guys and its bad guys - it's 'Faces' and it's 'Heels'.
Ronaldo and a certain cheating fucking Frenchman Henry would be one hell of a champion tag-team that fans would love to hate. They would certainly sell a shit load of shirts. TBT have even gone to the trouble of suggesting an entrance song for this formidable duo.
3. Colourful commentators
Anyone who has had the true pleasure of listening to postmatch analysis by the one and only Eamon Dunphy know that the man is wasted on Irish television. His dulcet tones should not be limited to a nation of 4.5 million. Partner Dunphy with Jerry "The King" Lawler and we have a winning combination that should be translated into all known languages. Shit, get them to commentate Eurovision.
4. Bring back washed up talent to help ratings
Top billing goes to Cantona Vs Vinnie Jones
Contains at least 79% Football, 29% Truth
Ten years ago, Australia could field a first team of defenders.
Nowadays, we have a first team made entirely of attacking minded midfielders.
Recently, Brisbane Roar RAW released Australia's last remaining veteran defender. Moore is no more. Moore has been linked with a fucking rubbish mediocre Scottish side, citing differences with coach Ange Postecoglou. With a young and relatively inexperienced defensive unit travelling to Kuwait City, TBT are left wondering if Australia's traditional strength has now become it's biggest weakness. A familiar back four of Chipperfield, Vidmar, Moore and Lazardis now seems a world away. That match against Uruguay was over four years ago.
Australia's defensive line-up for that fateful evening in Sydney were as old as the Golden Girls and had the first touch of Herman Munster. We loved them, but their time had come and we needed a change. In the coming years, Lucas Neil made the transition to Centre Back and slowly but surely Australia became less reliant on Vidmar, Lazaridis and Moore, even giving Emerton the freedom to push up the field into a more natural Winger position.
It's been four years since that fateful evening in Sydney - so let's take a look at who can fill the defensive gaps for Australia in the next few years.
1. Adrian Leijer (Melbourne Victory, Australia)
Leijer's form since returning to Australia has been a mixed bag - but Leijer has experience and youth on his side, not to mention the vocal support of his club captain and countryman.
2. Simon Colosimo (Sydney FC, Australia)
Colosimo has the experience at club level and for Australia, and is more than capable of playing in a Defensive Midfielder position. Since accepting captaincy of his club, Colosimo has shown a maturity that could prove valuable, especially when marshaling younger Australian-based players in Asia Cup matches.
3. Matthew Spiranovic (FC Nuremberg, Germany)
He's twelve years old, 6 ft 4 fucking massive and talented. Lock it in.
4. Matthew Kemp (Melbourne Victory, Australia)
We at TBT have never been huge fans of the Bald Assassin, but Kemp shows something few other Australian defenders do: BALLS. Big Fucken Hairy Ones. Kemp puts his body on the line week in week out for his club, rightfully earning him a call up to the national squad.
5. Taribo West (Free Agent)
Apparently so free he now lends his name to Portuguese tv ads featuring hookers
Contains at least 79% Football, 29% Truth
With a New Year come New Resolutions.
Most people choose to give up or do without a vice, smoking, drinking, kebabs, spending money wastefully on Robbie Fowler season tickets to North Queensland Fury.
We at TBT are making a resolution of our own. To reconnect with an old friend. This particular old friend proves to be less than popular with friends and family, some believe this old friend is a downright negative influence. Our old friend is Championship Manager. If you are unsure what exactly we're on about, this is where it all started.
Championship Manager (and it's parallel world cousin, Football Manager) is Football Tragic Crack. Football fans get to try their hand at running their chosen Football club. Every meaningless statistic, every shred and slither of information becomes useful in the world of Championship Manager. Yes, rather than hurling abuse at the referee on match day, you hurl abuse at awesome coloured text on a screen and at triumphant multicoloured dots jumping around on a tiny green pitch.
2010 will see the mighty Morecambe Shrimps once again under familiar management - look out Football League Two. CM may not be for everone, but for those other people there's Chicken-Football
Contains at least 79% Football, 29% Truth
TBT is a big supporter of local football. In fact, TBT will go on record that there is more local football commentary in this homely little blog than most of the major newspapers in this country. And that includes the 2 months since the last post from 
